Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
