You're completely useless in the revolution.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
