Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Houston, we have a blender
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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