you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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