I didn't shave. On purpose
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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