he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I want her autograph on my taint
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize