I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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