Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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