he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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