my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
