Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
