We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
