I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
