i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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