Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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