yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize