I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize