You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
