do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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