Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
