I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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