i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
