he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
