i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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