saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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