he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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