if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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