at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
