Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
