At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
