Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
