I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
