i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
