he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
