I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
