I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
