I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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