Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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