I could make wine with my vomit
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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