God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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