I am spending my child support on dildos
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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