it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
