You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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