At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
