I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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