Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
