a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
