If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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