after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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