How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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