she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
should my penis look like a turkey
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
