And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
