Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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