So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
