Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
