I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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